Insomnia..

its getting the best of me. It's 9am and I havent had 2 full hours of sleep in a few days. I can barely sleep since I got sick and ended up in the hospital. I almost DIED on Friday for those of you who dont know. I didnt realize how serious it was until the doctor told me that if I would have waited an hr or two more to come in, they probably wouldnt have been able to save me. I had a tube down my throat and wasnt breathing on my own.. Thats scary as hell and has made me rethink life and EXACTLY what I want to do with it.. It also has me sitting here pondering WTF I HAD been doing with my life for the past 27 yrs and WHO I WANT/NEED/LOVE in my life. Sitting in the dark or laying in bed while the TV projects nonsense and stupidity into my brain has made me lie awake and think of my next few steps I NEED/SHOULD take. Im still going over those steps and when I find out what they are, ill let you know. Lol.

My throat is feeling a bit better each day and its easier for me to eat more solid foods now. Cherice brought me over some throat spray and it has helped A LOT.. Thank god I have good friends to help me out when I need them most. Im having a hard time dealing with things lately so they have been pulling me thru slowly but surely.. I missed my phone interview with unemployment on Friday because, well I was dying, and so I dont know where my next income is coming from. I have no job, my car insurance is due, my car payment, my cell phone and ALL my bills. Im stressed but I try not to project it and be as happy as I can.. I know ill figure something out but I need a plan of action and sooner than later..

I also still feel like im missing something in my life and as much as I want to let go of it, its hard. I am going to push thru everyday and see what life has to offer but sometimes its tough to go thru this stuff alone.. Not friends wise but ALONE, alone..

I lay in bed wishing I were laying somewhere else. Laughing. Being loved and being appreciated for the person I am, for the person he USED to love.. I know ill find it but right now it doesnt seem right without that person that I love. It doesnt seem right that him and I arent together.. it feels weird. Like he is on vacation and will be coming home soon to me... Like all this nonsense we are going thru is just a phase that people who truly love each other go thru right before they get SUPER serious and get married, have babies, and start living their life together.. I know I may sound crazy but I guess laying in a hospital bed and then at home staring at the ceiling, has gotten me thinking crazy things. Maybe in the long run its a good thing for us both but for me it doesnt feel right and doesnt feel like it ever will be.. Like I have said in previous posts, I feel like I lost my best friend sometimes. He was the one person I could tell anything to, be myself around and he would still love me. No matter how crazy, tough, and insane things got.. He was IT for me and then he turned my world completely upside down.. I just feel lost. Like I need to find ME and figure myself out. I know it'll take some time and I should get used to being without someone that made me feel whole at one time, but right now its hard. Everything reminds me of him. Plus I have had the shittiest few weeks and us breaking up didnt help. I wish he could see how sorry I am for everything and we could just work thru it. I just know that wont be the case ANYTIME soon.

I am HAPPY that I am alive however and I am really sorry to everyone I scared the shit out of. I scared the shit out of myself. Especially my mom.. Its been a rough year for her so I especially need to be safe and sane for her sake. I will take a lot better care of myself for ME and everyone who actually cares and will continue to care and love me until, well its my time.. Lol. I guess God has bigger plans for me and I didnt know it. I guess there is a purpose for me in this world afterall. I just need to find it.

I know im going on and on but I feel like I have so much more to say but cant say it. Or I dont want to because it puts me in this vulnerable state. I dont like to feel like that but sometimes its easier said than done. I just feel like I need to vent about everything with one LONG GOOD CRY, but as of now, it hurts to cry. My throat feels better but its not in the mood for my "emtional" problems. Lol. Its painful so I suck it up and let life be. I have SO many things to say to Louis but its pointless, he is shut off and doesnt care anymore..I have so many things to wonder about, like my beliefs in God all of a sudden.. All of you who know me, KNOW I dont do church or believe in a higher power but for some reason after EVERYTHING I have been thru and God didnt cut me off from life, it makes me wonder. I am tired f being locked up inside and feel like sometime today or tomorrow would be a good day to do something different and NOT be locked up thinking about all the bad and good that has went on these recent weeks..

Ill figure it out.. :)

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

My eyes. :) Everyone always tells me how blue and beautiful they are.. I think its my best assett most def.. :)

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Well, even though I LOVE him to death, I need to let go of Louis.. I am GLAD we met and I would never say I wish I didnt know him, but things have been crazy and way too dofficult lately. I wanted things to work out SO BAD that I tried to ignore ALL our problems. All the things we've been thru and ALL the things that hurt our relationship before. I will NEVER say he is a HORRIBLE guy because we ALL have our issues and demons that we need to work on. We are just too different in the ways that we want relationships to be. AND who knows, maybe ONE day in the future when we BOTH grow up and mature, we can be together and work things out then. I love him and ill always miss him but this is def for the best. He was my heart, my world, and my everything but we are better off this way. :)

<3

heeartburn...

Ive had it for a few days now.. Louis and I broke up, OBVIOUSLY.. I feel sad, mad, angry, and distraught over it. I can barely eat, sleep, (thats why im up at 330am), and I have little motivation to do anything other than PEE and get right back into bed.. I KNOW, it'll pass but a part of me doesnt want it to. Louis to me was someone that I could laugh with, fight with, HATE, scream at, have the most passionate moments with and be myself around.. I literally feel like my dog has died... It sounds stupid and I am sure you are all shaking your head because you all felt like he wasnt worth it and ISNT worth it, but to me he was. To me he was my world and I wanted to marry him and have babies with him, and share my life with him... No one can say anything to me to make me feel better at this point. I am stressing way too much and I feel lost. Lonely. Betrayed. All I wanted was for him to love me right this time.. I had faith that it would happen..

Ughhh.

Ill let you know when my mood changes... :(

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

hmmm.. there are a few people that I could think of but I dont want to write all night.. You all know who you are but at least we are all working things out and trying to be adults about things.. :)

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

WELLLLL, I am SURE you all know the answer... Yes. Mr. Ference. Lol.. BUT I think in a way, he has also taught me a lot about myself and how truely strong I can be. He has pushed, pulled, made my days hell, made my days great, but he is one of the VERY few people that I can count on when I really need him the most.. He gets me, he doesnt get me, he makes me cry, laugh, love, hate and scream but at the end of the day, I know who I want to be laying next to when I close my eyes.. And that would be him..

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Someone who has made my life worth living would be, my dad. I know he was crazy and I know he was out of it a lot more times than not, but after he passed, I realized life is pretty short and you never know what could happen... I knew this before but its just sad that he was 53 and didnt live to see 100. lol.. I want to..I miss him EVERYDAY and realize out of everyone in my family, I was the closest to him.. I just wish he was still here.. :)

<3