I never rant about LOVE but here it is...

Love.
WHAT is Love?
If you care to go over the 9 definitions that Webster's Dictionary has on their website, feel free. It's there in plain lettering explaining what it is supposed to "mean". It even throws in the definition; "a score of zero (as in tennis)". Really? I would think that might be in a different "definition" part of the dictionary? Anyways..

I wish that someone could EXPLAIN this whole Love thing to me and what it is supposed to really be like, I have had my share of LOVE and I LOVE, LOVE so don't get me wrong here but, like they say in "He's Just Not That Into You", when a boy in elementary school pushes you down or throws dirt in your face, it's supposed to be CUTE and taken as, "HE has a CRUSH on you." Oh... IS THAT what that means? Well, cause I thought that a boy pushing you down, throwing dirt in your face, and breaking your heart was supposed to be FROWNED UPON. Kind of like "masturbating on an airplane".. (HAHA Marte).
Anyways MY POINT, or somewhat a rant, Why is it when you give yourself to someone COMPLETELY and want nothing but to have them near you FOREVER, marry them, have their kids, grow old with them, they mess up, which makes you push them AWAY but STILL WANT them? I have seen a MILLION cases INCLUDING my own. I guess what I am saying is WHAT is LOVE? We all have our definitions.

Girls Say:
LOVE IS when a guy buys you flowers and shows you how much he loves you on a regular day of the week and NOT just on HOLIDAYS or special occasions.
LOVE IS when he gets along with your friends and makes an effort to be in the "circle". WHAT does it matter when no one liked him anyways?
LOVE IS when he buys you ice cream when you're sad or sick and makes you laugh when you are crying, even when its HIM that makes you cry.
LOVE IS when he writes you small notes telling you he loves you and leaves them all over the place so you find them as you are leaving or coming home.
LOVE IS when you and him spend time with each other and just "click", with an occasional fight. (It supposedly shows you care right?)
LOVE IS when he buys you the most EXPENSIVE diamond and proposes to you in the most romantic way.
LOVE IS when he buys you the most EXPENSIVE WEDDING because he KNOWS how HAPPY it will make you... etc, etc, etc...

The list can go ON AND ON of what LOVE is supposed to be. We were taught as YOUNG girls that your future BOYFRIEND/HUSBANDS were supposed to be like Prince Charming, from Snow White, Cinderella, and of course the CLASSIC, Sleeping Beauty. In reality, our lives somewhat go like the fairytale I have come to LOVE, BEAUTY and THE BEAST. OR SHREK? It JUST depends on the situation and honestly how cute of a couple you are...LOL. (if your bf looks like SHREK, id get out NOW.)

You see, us girls are all delicate and SCARED to love BEASTS, but we do. We give them LOVE, we care for them, tell them how IMPORTANT they are and NO MATTER how much we resent them for breaking our hearts and doing shitty things, we tend to fall into patterns with the SAME kind of guys or hang on to the ones that we SHOULD let go. I am guilty and I know a few girls who are JUST as guilty. You tend to love the FAULTS of all the beasts you come across, fall in love with and sometimes sleep with a few times...(I guess I should stop referring to ALL of them as BEASTS because we know there are a FEW Prince Charmings left who ONLY bring out the BEASTS when we WANT it most and some girls...well they are NOT all BEAUTIES.. GNOOOMEEE SAYIN?)... LOL.

I hate that when a girl OR boy, takes the time to make their significant other the most IMPORTANT person in their lives, takes them to meet their family, spend an OUTRAGEOUS amount of time with that person and do EVERYTHING to show them that they are WANTED and NEEDED, and then messes it up because they needed an "ego boost"... OH? I thought this whole time, I WAS giving you that and making you realize that for ONCE, someone could actually LOVE YOU and give you their heart. Instead you take it, trample it, treat it like garbage and ruin the trust they have because you are insecure and need to break THEIR HEARTS before you are the one crying yourself to sleep every night. I don't get the whole "LOVE" thing and to be honest I probably never will. I don't get girls or boys and their attempt at life. I think that I have been an amazing person with a big heart and I try and do everything right when I am in a relationship. I always get the shitty end of the stick because, I am NAIVE and TRUST too much. I love too much. I give too much. I find myself pondering the days before when life was easy and being a kid was the best. No worries, no loss of ANYTHING, not even a dumb boy pushing me down on the playground could make me UPSET. (PLUS, I'd just grab my big brother and he would take care of it..) I don't have the RIGHT DEFINITION for LOVE, I HAVE MY DEFINITION and thats all i need. Everyone considers LOVE to be different.

Sooo,

I have been going through some stuff in my head lately. Thinking about things for me, my future and what's best for me. It always comes back to HIM. I get confused, don't wanna talk to him, don't wanna STRESS, CRY, WORRY, or anything else that comes with a "messed up" relationship, but I think THATS what LOVE IS.... Well to me anyways... I guess CRAZINESS, being passionate, and HOPING that SOON that person that broke your heart a few times will MAN UP and change for the better. That YES we ALL make mistakes, but you hope they learn from them after SO long. That when its good its good but when it's ROUGH, its rough. HARD times, good times, and the SHITTIEST times. Someone who KNOWS how to push your buttons and make you see things THEIR way along with yours. Someone that can look at you and KNOW when you are upset, happy, or angry with them. Someone that can tell you, you have 6 smiles. (sorry I know I stole that from Win a Date With Tad Hamilton but come on... its a cute movie)..Someone that wants to FIGHT and FIGHT FOR YOU and will do anything to win you back after breaking up over and over. It's not healthy to some people and I understand that. I am not saying IT IS... I am not saying ANYTHING that he has done was good but there have been way more GREAT times than BAD. I am JUST SAYING how I feel right now and no conclusions have been made about MY LIFE, OUR RELATIONSHIP, OR the outcome of anything. I am simply ranting.
I don't know what the future holds for me in my LIFE, relationships and career and Ill find out sooner than later. Like I said in my last blog, I see the glass half FULL rather than HALF EMPTY. After all the SHIT that I have been through, I should see it half empty and GIVE UP on EVERYTHING but I can't.

I was in CHURCH yesterday with my family and the pastor was talking about how we should NEVER DWELL on the PAST. It makes you sick, stunts your growth, ruins how you look at life, makes you bitter and turns you into a CRAZY BITCH.. I would know.. and WELL, easier said than done I guess, its never easy to just forget. Its not easy to forget the HORRIBLE things that the ONE PERSON you confided in, called your BEST FRIEND, YOUR soulmate and gave your ALL too, has done, because if someone cared about you THAT MUCH they wouldnt have messed up SO badly. I CAN tell you this. I am living ONE day at a time living my life as a BEAUTY, hoping to find my BEAST whether he lies ahead in the future OR he is ALREADY in my life waiting to break out into his Prince Charming.

That is all. AND I am sorry if I am ALL over the place but I have a movie BLASTING LOUD in my ear... damn surround sound. LOL.

Til next time.

This is life.....

So, here I sit. Unemployed, missing my dad and wishing my life was not so fucked up. I know I don't have it as bad as a lot of people so I am not complaining, just needing to vent.

In 2 months, I have lost:

A baby.
My dad.
My job.

How I have coped and stayed SANE thrpugh all of this, I have no idea. I guess I have had the best family and the greatest friends to keep me going. I wake up around 9:30am, or later everyday, eat breakfast and then watch movies OR if my mom wants me to, I go with her to run errands. I have not minded relaxing these past few days and I plan on looking for a new job soon. I am just NOT in a rush. After everything I have been through this is the little vaykay that I need. I need to mentally prepare myself for the future that lies ahead, WHATEVER that may be.
I thought about traveling in my lame Ford Focus, taking pictures and selling them around the U.S. but I have NO MONEY, bills to help with around the house, AND my car is NOT registered.. I thought about moving to another state to get away from EVERYTHING and change my life and future but then I thought about how I have NO MONEY, bills to help with around the house, AND my car is NOT REGISTERED.. LOL.. Also, I would be leaving my friends and family who I love and care about and need me more than anything right now. So, both plans are NOT going to go happen. I guess in a way I am trying to run away from a few things weighing on my mind and I don't think it's the right answer. So, here I will stay and here I will be until I decide to leave. Anyone wanna move with me? Say in about, 2 or 3 years? LOL.

I am thankful for everything good that I have been blessed with and all the GOOD things that have happened to me. I can't say that I am one of those people that always thinks negative, when NO MATTER WHAT, I think of the glass half full, instead of half empty. I love my life regardless of all the stress, pain, and bad things I endure because it makes me a stronger person and it makes me appreciate life more. SO, I needed a quick vent and BELIEVE ME, I shall be back in a while to vent some more.

Thanks for listening. :)