Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something

Well, im gonna be honest, ive read A LOT of books.. Ive even wrote blogs about the ones I read.. so IF you are that interested go back a few months on my blogger and read all about them and how they helped me at those specific times.. Only one really stands out in my mind, and that was The Way of The Warrior.. it had a lot of good positive things and you should all read it. :) I creased pages, wrote notes and wrote a blog about it.. It was that good to me.. It helped me out at the time that I was reading it so please take the time and read it as well.. :)

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

DEF LOVE..not forever. Just right now. it's just time for me to focus on me and not let some DUMB, immature little boy bring me down anymore than he did. I can DEF do without the stress, worrying, and being second best. Ill find that right guy someday and he will love me for all my good and all my bad. :) Ill find the one that no matter HOW crazy life gets, he'll stick around cause thats what MEN do. Not boys. SO yes, I can and WILL do without love for a while.. Im working on me now and getting back to 100% Happy Maggie.. :)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Well, Ive never TRIED living without it, but INSULIN DUH! Lol.. I HAVE to have it.. especially after my little episode 2 weeks ago!

Also, ive tried to live without Farley. (Well, I had to for a while before he was fixed and I was living with Cherice).. He makes me smile because he is FAT as hell, is ALWAYS excited when he sees me and HAS to sleep under the covers on my legs or right next to my chest EVERYNIGHT. :) He is my heart. As gay as that sounds. Lol.

AND I COULDNT live without:
Diet Soda
Taco Bell
Ice Cream
Burger King Breakfast
Chapstick
Lotion
and any other goodness that makes me smile.

I love life and I am getting happier by the day.. :)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

I honestly dont have a hero that let me down.. I cant think of one.. IF i do, ill edit this post and let you know.. Lol

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear The Spill Canvas and Christina Aguilera,

You have helped me thru the toughest and non toughest times in my life.. Thru break ups, to good days, to sad days, to lonely days, your words are like wisdom and I love listening to you on FULL blast in my car.. Belting out notes I can barely hit and crying sometimes while I try.. Lol. SO thak you. I will continue to listen, buy your albums and have you on repeat in my cd player or ipod until I feel better or pull into my garage.. :)

Love your BIGGEST FAN,

Maggie

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

I guess this would have to be, my photography.. I seem to think that most of my pictures are pretty good and sometimes I feel no one says it enough.. MAYBE thats why I havent been too keen on going around and taking pictures? Maybe thats what holds me back.. not that I DEF have to get compliments and outrageous comments on my pictures but it helps.. ya know? Lol.. I dont know.. one of these days ill get my act together.. :)

Insomnia..

its getting the best of me. It's 9am and I havent had 2 full hours of sleep in a few days. I can barely sleep since I got sick and ended up in the hospital. I almost DIED on Friday for those of you who dont know. I didnt realize how serious it was until the doctor told me that if I would have waited an hr or two more to come in, they probably wouldnt have been able to save me. I had a tube down my throat and wasnt breathing on my own.. Thats scary as hell and has made me rethink life and EXACTLY what I want to do with it.. It also has me sitting here pondering WTF I HAD been doing with my life for the past 27 yrs and WHO I WANT/NEED/LOVE in my life. Sitting in the dark or laying in bed while the TV projects nonsense and stupidity into my brain has made me lie awake and think of my next few steps I NEED/SHOULD take. Im still going over those steps and when I find out what they are, ill let you know. Lol.

My throat is feeling a bit better each day and its easier for me to eat more solid foods now. Cherice brought me over some throat spray and it has helped A LOT.. Thank god I have good friends to help me out when I need them most. Im having a hard time dealing with things lately so they have been pulling me thru slowly but surely.. I missed my phone interview with unemployment on Friday because, well I was dying, and so I dont know where my next income is coming from. I have no job, my car insurance is due, my car payment, my cell phone and ALL my bills. Im stressed but I try not to project it and be as happy as I can.. I know ill figure something out but I need a plan of action and sooner than later..

I also still feel like im missing something in my life and as much as I want to let go of it, its hard. I am going to push thru everyday and see what life has to offer but sometimes its tough to go thru this stuff alone.. Not friends wise but ALONE, alone..

I lay in bed wishing I were laying somewhere else. Laughing. Being loved and being appreciated for the person I am, for the person he USED to love.. I know ill find it but right now it doesnt seem right without that person that I love. It doesnt seem right that him and I arent together.. it feels weird. Like he is on vacation and will be coming home soon to me... Like all this nonsense we are going thru is just a phase that people who truly love each other go thru right before they get SUPER serious and get married, have babies, and start living their life together.. I know I may sound crazy but I guess laying in a hospital bed and then at home staring at the ceiling, has gotten me thinking crazy things. Maybe in the long run its a good thing for us both but for me it doesnt feel right and doesnt feel like it ever will be.. Like I have said in previous posts, I feel like I lost my best friend sometimes. He was the one person I could tell anything to, be myself around and he would still love me. No matter how crazy, tough, and insane things got.. He was IT for me and then he turned my world completely upside down.. I just feel lost. Like I need to find ME and figure myself out. I know it'll take some time and I should get used to being without someone that made me feel whole at one time, but right now its hard. Everything reminds me of him. Plus I have had the shittiest few weeks and us breaking up didnt help. I wish he could see how sorry I am for everything and we could just work thru it. I just know that wont be the case ANYTIME soon.

I am HAPPY that I am alive however and I am really sorry to everyone I scared the shit out of. I scared the shit out of myself. Especially my mom.. Its been a rough year for her so I especially need to be safe and sane for her sake. I will take a lot better care of myself for ME and everyone who actually cares and will continue to care and love me until, well its my time.. Lol. I guess God has bigger plans for me and I didnt know it. I guess there is a purpose for me in this world afterall. I just need to find it.

I know im going on and on but I feel like I have so much more to say but cant say it. Or I dont want to because it puts me in this vulnerable state. I dont like to feel like that but sometimes its easier said than done. I just feel like I need to vent about everything with one LONG GOOD CRY, but as of now, it hurts to cry. My throat feels better but its not in the mood for my "emtional" problems. Lol. Its painful so I suck it up and let life be. I have SO many things to say to Louis but its pointless, he is shut off and doesnt care anymore..I have so many things to wonder about, like my beliefs in God all of a sudden.. All of you who know me, KNOW I dont do church or believe in a higher power but for some reason after EVERYTHING I have been thru and God didnt cut me off from life, it makes me wonder. I am tired f being locked up inside and feel like sometime today or tomorrow would be a good day to do something different and NOT be locked up thinking about all the bad and good that has went on these recent weeks..

Ill figure it out.. :)

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

My eyes. :) Everyone always tells me how blue and beautiful they are.. I think its my best assett most def.. :)

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Well, even though I LOVE him to death, I need to let go of Louis.. I am GLAD we met and I would never say I wish I didnt know him, but things have been crazy and way too dofficult lately. I wanted things to work out SO BAD that I tried to ignore ALL our problems. All the things we've been thru and ALL the things that hurt our relationship before. I will NEVER say he is a HORRIBLE guy because we ALL have our issues and demons that we need to work on. We are just too different in the ways that we want relationships to be. AND who knows, maybe ONE day in the future when we BOTH grow up and mature, we can be together and work things out then. I love him and ill always miss him but this is def for the best. He was my heart, my world, and my everything but we are better off this way. :)

<3

heeartburn...

Ive had it for a few days now.. Louis and I broke up, OBVIOUSLY.. I feel sad, mad, angry, and distraught over it. I can barely eat, sleep, (thats why im up at 330am), and I have little motivation to do anything other than PEE and get right back into bed.. I KNOW, it'll pass but a part of me doesnt want it to. Louis to me was someone that I could laugh with, fight with, HATE, scream at, have the most passionate moments with and be myself around.. I literally feel like my dog has died... It sounds stupid and I am sure you are all shaking your head because you all felt like he wasnt worth it and ISNT worth it, but to me he was. To me he was my world and I wanted to marry him and have babies with him, and share my life with him... No one can say anything to me to make me feel better at this point. I am stressing way too much and I feel lost. Lonely. Betrayed. All I wanted was for him to love me right this time.. I had faith that it would happen..

Ughhh.

Ill let you know when my mood changes... :(

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

hmmm.. there are a few people that I could think of but I dont want to write all night.. You all know who you are but at least we are all working things out and trying to be adults about things.. :)